As I sit here, with the TV on solely for background noise, I've done some thinking.  I've also done a little drinking in the past month (perhaps more so than usual).  I found that unless the Oilers (or Riders) scored, or won a fight / game - just about anytime I clinked a glass was to drink to 2011.  Come to think of it, nearing the end of every year I've done that - drank to the upcoming year.  Even as I'm typing, I've raised my glass already to 2011.

It's not that I haven't found who I am (or who I think I am), or that I've been confused as to what I've believed in, or that my financial situation has tubed - it's just, since graduation my life has had it's high points, and a whole shitload of low points.  Financially I'm doing great.  In fact my accountant is surprisingly pleased, same with my investor and retirement plan.  Yes, I still live "month-to-month" with no need to other than my desire to have a comfy retirement.  I could right now eliminate my debt, put a down payment on a house and car - but I'm fine with where I am and what I'm driving. 

First off, with absolutely no post-secondary education despite excelling at the math and science programs, I'm selling cars.  Don't get me wrong, as frustrated as I can be with this business, I do love it.  It's phenomenal.  I know I have a future doing it, proceeding into management and whatnot.  At the same time, work interferes with my other passion / money earner, poker.  Typically my winnings go solely towards the above reasons I live month-to-month, however the odd time I have a terrible month at work and poker has been there to save me.  Seriously.  I play enough right now that when I win a BIG tournament, I'm just about ready to quit selling and play for a living.

I love Edmonton.  I do, plain and simple.  Born and raised an Albertan, I love this damn province.  I'm not sure if I could leave it anytime soon unless the perfect opportunity arose.  Even then, it'd be tough to leave this place for good.  My living situation isn't ideal, however it's cheap enough and the perks are there to tolerate it.  Having a garage is great, having my cheap little 4x4 is great - yes, roommates suck.  Often I've been asked why I don't just buy a place, and it's because I don't know where I'm going to be, where I'm going to be needed.  There is just too many variables right now to justify purchasing a place and living on my own.

My personal life sucks.  There, I said it.  I live a boring life.  My life consists of work, poker, sleep.  That's it.  I'm incredibly bored with my life, but content.  Not thrilled in any way, just simply content.  I know that it appears I'm just 'coasting' through life, and somedays I'm stuck in my little rut genuinely believing it.  What keeps me going is looking towards the "future".  Now whether than means I actually succeed at poker or I stick with the car industry, I'm not sure.  Either way, I've just got a feeling that one of them benefit me. 

What truly bothers me more than anything, is the thought of being alone.  Sorry, let me add to that - I am alone.  Ok, maybe not like some people.  I know that I talk to a few people outside of work (Amy, Tellie, Katie, James, Bowen), but I'm alone.  The people I talk to don't live here, they live away.  So it's phone, MSN, Facebook.  Little human interaction. 

Perhaps weighing more on my mind, is the actual ALONE part.  I don't want to end up alone.  I don't want to settle.  And that's what scares me, is that I'll end up doing one of the two.  Neither of which I want to do, plain and simple.  Maybe this is my fault.  Maybe I'm undesirable, that I'm too weird.  Now, I've seen people that I think are much, much stranger than I and   But, if I view myself as this fucked up, I can't be the only one who self-reflects / self-criticizes themselves this way.  I listen to weird music (just an odd combination because of how it varies), I enjoy my tattoos, my sports, my poker.  Nah, I'm just simple.  Easy to get along with I think.  Who knows.  Doesn't matter.

Anyways, I thought I wanted to delve into this further, but apparently not.  I'll dwell into this and post again.

it really isn't just a career... it's a lifestyle... once you're in the business (if you're remote succsesful), it starts creeping into every aspect of your life... you view everything from a sales perspective; you cannot escape from it... no matter whether you're eating dinner, watching the game, out for a drive, etc... you always, always, always see the sales side of everything... even the way you talk, it all relates back to sales... not that it's a bad thing, but i've just realized how encompassed one becomes in it... even those who have left the business, still have it in them... even speaking with my buddy who took off to Victoria - it's still engrained in his mind... he's a salesman, down to the core... it overwhelms us, consumes us, becomes us... but that's ok... because this SHOULD be a proud career to be a part of... sales isn't for everyone, but those who succeed - enjoy it... everything in this world requires a 'sale' of some sort... even ideas - are sold... when you want to go out somewhere with your friends, you have to 'sell' them on the idea... a certain restaurant, movie, game - you sell the concept, the features, benefits, etc... sometimes you won't always get the sale - but it's there... with that being said, lean on the pen my friend, let's roll!

i have been listening to Anti-Flag once again... you can't go wrong listening to a political punk band like that, i mean besides not understanding them half the time if you don't listen to them normally...

alright, quick rundown here... friday night wasn't too bad... in order so that dad & merle could come play poker saturday night, we had to go for our family dinner friday night... which we ended up at Montana's... and to be honest, none of us were impressed... my steak sandwich was terrible and cook improperly, the pastas were undercooked, hell the goat cheese was disgusting... i think i'm gonna boycott them for awhile... afterwards, drug the family back to my place and watched Inglorious Basterds (the first time a Blu-Ray movie was watched on my new TV :D)... OH! but more importantly, I had dad & merle SINGING to Social Distortion... yeah, I couldn't believe it either!

saturday was a calm, relaxing, and profitable day for the most part... i didn't go in to work, but chilled out at home until I left for the wonk... now, my parents conned me into coming for dinner with promises of spatzel and cordon bleu - naturally I'm thinking homemade right?  WRONG!  the spatzel was of course, but dad cheaped out and provided us with store bought cordon bleu - man was i choked... oh well, free dinner i suppose... then off to poker... a couple hairy moments and 4 hours later, i'm sitting final table... better than that, i also won the bounty so I've already paid for my buy-in... another hour or so, and i'm sitting final three... woot! now it's time to start taking some chances, risking it all... both Rob and I sitting with approximately the same amount of chips, and then the 3rd guy was definately small stack... with both of them all-in, i thought now was a good time to play it too (seeing as I was sitting A-7, it was a crap shoot to begin with)... Rob flips A-8, short stack flips A-10 suited, and there ends Joe's night... yes, A-10 won with high card, and Rob just edged me... well, 3rd paid $100 so I basically walked out of there $100 more than I came in with... no, i stand corrected... $90 more than I came in with - I bet Eric $10 on the Flames-'Nucks shootout and lost... damnit...

sunday, sunday, sunday... nothing... i played video games... and watched fight club... and played video games... and monopoly deal... and yeh... that was it... i did nothing... well, tonight we've got UFC Fight Night and she's coming over to hang out and watch it... :)